CRUCIFY THE INSINCERE

here i lie

2009-07-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

i move my french fries around with my fork, dragging it into ketchup like a squeegee. the waitress comes by for the 5th time to refill my glass of water. the ice cubes clink against the glass, and even though the water tastes like wigs, i drink it. he's eating his french fries slowly, staring down at the plate. he sighs a deep sigh that makes me look up at him. he's looking at me, and i smile weakly and look away. the diner is not as appropriately depressing as it should be. the lighting's okay, there are a good amount of people eating, and our food isn't gray.
i want my life to be like a movie, even if it's a depressing one. give me wise homeless people whose loony words of advice somehow show me more reality than words with an old friend. i want to walk in on the boy i love making out with his ex whom he claims he never loved. let's have me wake up after a drunken night only to realize that i've lost my dignity.

i don't do that, anymore.

2009-07-03T00:07:00.001-07:00

i've stopped drinking, but only because my parents are over. it feels really nice.
i'm going to san francisco in a few days. i get to see thee brian wakefield and co. and possibly lonny, the boy i haven't seen in 2 years and we almost kissed when he walked me to the train station.
i hate that the boys i'm interested in are always a bit younger than i am.

be brave and admit that you're not in love anymore

2009-05-31T14:27:00.001-07:00

staci threw me and dylan a going away party. it was 2 days before we left olympia. i was talking to jared about pokemon, i think. he's sooooo nice.
been drinking, been crying, been silly
i love grant so much. he's the one who's not passed out. he held me when i cried and we took shots of whiskey til 6 in the morning and fell asleep to the big lebowski. he also helped me get out of an awkward situation with ben.

dylan's wearing a dress shirt because this was a "dinner party."

i tied dylan's hair up like a samurai. he kept on looking at himself in the mirror. it was funny.

night of the japanther show where i made dylan sad by kissing another boy, even though we'd broken up. i don't remember it. i'm an asshole.
dylan in a tree.

happy face bruise i found on myself the morning after the show.

i don't cry at everything

2008-11-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

yesterday, i had dinner with dylan's family.
first, i had to get to his house by 12:30 so i could go with his brothers, bren and pat, to pick dylan up at long beach airport. he was coming in from olympia. anyway, when i got there, i said hi to his parents and everything. his dad came and was all, "hey, i got a present for you." he left and came back with this weird fish toy that shot a foam ball out of its mouth. the ball was attached to the fish with a string and was meant to be projected. he had gotten it at a conference from vegas, so that's why he thought it appropriate or me. it was so funny! anyway, i really like his parents. so much. his mom is amazing. she's sweet and nice and makes me feel comfortable. she makes all these vegan food for us. she had even made a panini sandwich for me when i got there. dylan had asked her to, but it was sweet that she did it. her food is so good.

anyway, then we left to pick dylan up. on our way there, dylan called pat and pat pretended that he wasn't picking him. basically, he played a prank on dylan. so dylan called me and asked where i was. i told him i was stuck in traffic in LA and that i hadn't been able to make it to his house. he told me the situation and i told him i'd pick him up. he was surprisingly very calm and didn't seem mad or annoyed at all, which i admired. i was laughing pretty much the whole time i was lying to him, but he didn't seem to nice. anyway, he ended up calling his dad to tell him of the situation and his dad unknowingly blew it. it was still funny, though.

anyway, we got there and dylan came kinda running up to the car, with this huge smile on his face. it was cute and it was the happiest he had looked in a while. on the car ride back, his brothers were hilarious and dylan laughed a lot. i really hadn't seen him smile and laugh that much in a while. he looked really beautiful. he also held my hand and kissed it a lot. i had been feeling really indifferent about things with him, lately. but he seemed happy and silly and really young. he's such a little boy sometimes. the way he sleeps, the way he eats and a lot of little things. mostly, his face and when he looks sad, he reminds me of a broken-hearted little boy.
i showed him the toy his dad gave me, and he played with it. he rolled down the window and kept projecting the ball out of it. he was so amused by it.

the dinner was nice, but dylan was a bit distant. i cried a lot, for some reason. i couldn't take it. his family were really nice and sweet. i brought his aunt, whose house we were at, some flowers and everyone was all "aw that's so nice!"

anyway, dylan did some things that made me cry. when i tried touching his face, he pulled away. he always pulls away. i was joking around with him and asked him a question and he said, "why does it matter?" in an annoyed voice. i don't know how to explain it, but i'm crying right now as i think about it, and it sucks. but i kept crying, but i was able to hide it. god damnit.

i don't know what to do.

logical paranoia

2008-09-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

i don't think i'm in love.

the other night at f yeah fest, these images kept flashing into my head of him and some girl going through love at first sight, drug induced camaraderie, connection, touching hands, blissful closed eye psychedelic kissing. i couldn't stop thinking about it. why wouldn't it happen? of course it was possible that there would be girls there prettier than me, smarter than me, more exciting than me, with more in common with him. why wouldn't he meet someone? the prospect of something new and different?

i don't think he's in love with me, is what i really mean.

what's love got to do with it?

2008-08-22T22:33:00.000-07:00

i really don't fucking get it. i never hear when dylan tells me that he loves me. whenever he says, "i love you," i'm never sure, because it sounds warped and muffled. and so i don't say anything and i feel like it makes things weird.

i've got a fever. i had only had 3 hours of sleep, last night. dylan wasn't supposed to have work until 10, but his dad woke us up at 7:40, saying that they had to leave then. so i woke up with this throbbing headache, and i went with dylan and grant to their job. they had to do something with an elevator. i just lied in the truck and felt delirious.

this summer's almost over and it kills me so. i'm only starting to like it. i'm going to be back in olympia in about 2 weeks. god. this summer went by too fast, actually.

i look at him, these days, and it makes me sad that we don't stare at each other, anymore. we used to lock eyes and just smile at each other for a few seconds and that always made me melt.

it's ringing and ringing

2008-07-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

i really don't like this feeling. it's so silly, i know, but i can't help but feel like dylan doesn't like me as much as i like him. i used to feel like it was the other way around and i wish it didn't even matter. i don't want to give a fuck about who likes who more. i like him, and that's all i care about, but lately, i think something's happened. i hate being so scared about the upcoming hurt that's going to happen. i know it's coming, this time, and i hate being so certain and scared.

when did i turn into this?

blurry days shakey haze

2008-05-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

things have been overwhelming, lately. i'm such a grown up, now. and in the worst way. i have to pay bills, worry about my lease, wonder where to live next year, decide if i want to continue going to school, worry about money. i mean, i know everyone has to deal, but i've always dreaded becoming an adult. i remember when i used to be in 2nd grade and i'd always just think about how long it would take for me to be an adult. how great it was that i didn't have to worry about college or a career, yet. i'm even starting to worry about who i'll grow old with. i'm only twenty, but i've only truly cared for so many people, romantically, in my life. i barely get to talk to dotty, anymore, and she's my life. she really is. it's hard to explain. she's not just a sister. but things have been so bad for her, lately. i want to kill las vegas. i want it to dissipate into the air and have her live with me. but she hates olympia. she's changed, and we both know it. i looked at pictures of us when we were young, and i just cried uncontrollably. i wish things stayed gold, forever.

things feel really scattered.

a few weeks ago, i went to a prom themed show that karl blau and calvin johnson played at.
i went with my friend, lewis. he's really awkward. he gave me his bicycle, because he was getting too attached. he always takes my jokes too seriously.

ain't it nice?

i've been smoking inside, lately, and so i've started smoking more. i was never addicted and i'm still not, but it's so nice to smoke inside. i'm afraid that i WILL get addicted.

i went to a party the other night and had more alcohol than i had intended. i was sitting on a couch outside in the dark with some people when paul, this really cool guy, said he lost his mickey mouse watch. i stuck my hands into the sides of the couch to see if it might be in there. i felt around and pulled out a harmonica. then, i found a pipe. then i found a drumstick that i gave to a kid who was sitting next to me. (one time, we were all going to the zoo for our class trip, and he dropped this jar he had been holding. the jar had weed in it. pretty crazy.) and i also found a bag of peas. i was pretty out of it and just stuck those things in my bag and kept looking for paul's watch. i feel kind of bad now, because i took those things. but i don't think any of those belonged to the house members, because that house always throws parties and those things could've just been lost by other people. oh, i also found a clip thing and dylan has the harmonica.

i don't smoke weed, but i think that pipe is pretty. it reeks, though.

this morning, i woke up and there were two sleeping bags on my living room floor. we have no furniture. we haven't for the whole year. anyway, upon closer inspection, i see two condoms, undies and a wallet. pretty scandalous.

teenage death

2008-05-02T20:26:00.001-07:00

i'm no longer a teenager. i don't like this. it feels strange. i've been feeling so blue, lately. even before i turned 20.

i want to write more, but i feel like i'm losing myself more and more every time it's morning.

DottyDotty!

2008-03-24T11:28:00.001-07:00

Dotty came up for a few days. I found out a lot of things. We cried our eyes out til our they were dry, and then they just really hurt. I don't know what to do, really. Things feel really hopeless. I want her to get help, but I just don't know if she can actually go through with it. I don't know if her stubbornness will subside-- if she's willing to let go of her pride, even just a bit. I love her so much. I don't know what to do. Things are so intense right now.

Yesterday, we went over to Staci's house and blew blueberry bubbles.

Things and Such

2008-03-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, Dylan and I went to Portland. We left on Saturday. It was only a two hour drive from Olympia. It was a good drive, until we got into Portland and I got very lost. I'm an anxious driver, and I hate getting lost.

We were going to Portland to see Lucky Dragons perform at Reed College's Arts Week. There was going to be one performance on Saturday and one on Sunday. We missed the Saturday one because it was too late.

Anyway, we met up with Dylan's friends from back home, Kirby and Chris. They now live in Portland. Kirby is so awesome and sweet. Chris is really great, as well. We had made them chocolate chip cookies that turned out to be reallllly good. We were all pretty surprised. We used this recipe and just substituted with earth balance, ener-g egg replacer, and semi-sweet chocolate chips. I remember modifying this recipe, a few times. Not having enough salt, using half the amount of chocolate chips that were called for, and not using vanilla, at all. Vanilla was nowhere to be found. But the cookies turned out really great. They were soft and chewy, even after a few days.

Anyway, on Sunday, we all walked around Portland. We ate at this one restaurant, which I can't remember the name of, unfortunately. But it was pretty great and I got a Hummwich, which was just a sandwich with hummus, cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce.

Later, we went to Reed College, which was beautiful. It reminded me of Harvard. They both have the same atmosphere, but this one was slightly better. Lucky Dragons was awesome. He has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. And, he pulls them out with charm!

The next day, Monday, we went to downtown Portland, again. Kirby took us to VooDoo doughnuts and we all got some vegan doughnuts.

They were so good! I hadn't had a doughnut in a while. I'm not an enormous fan of doughnuts, really, but these were not disappointing. Dylan got some to bring back home for some friends.

Then Dylan and I had to head home. We took the bus back to Chris' house with melancholy.

But we are going back this week, I believe! I am on Spring Break. It's been nice so far. I think Brian is coming up to Olympia, soon. Are you, Brian?! And Evan is going to be somewhere in Oregon in mid April. I hope I get to see him. He's one of the few people I've felt a genuine connection in my life, so far.

These things make themselves

2008-03-06T19:53:00.001-08:00

Oh, I made orange zest glazed scones, yesterday. I made cake-like ones that looked like biscuits, as opposed to the really hard and dense tea scones, and used Vegan with a Vengeance's orange glaze recipe for their orange scones. I took two to give to my friend. It was his birthday and he had been excited about going to VooDoo doughnuts in Portland to get vegan doughnuts, but wasn't able to on account of some complications in getting there. So, I thought maybe scones would somewhat make up for it.

He liked them a lot and stuffed them down right when I gave them to him. He said, "You got anymore?" with the 2nd one still in his mouth, the crumbs flying out at my face. It made me so happy.

Coming together

2008-03-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

My life has changed so drastically and I did not see it coming. I did not prepare myself. Maryam and I barely talk, anymore. We never get the chance. I'm barely ever home. I do miss her. We talked yesterday and she said that when we first came, we were all we each had. That made me sad. It's so true.

I have good friends. Recently, there's been some weird tension amongst all of them, though, I feel. It always feels like people are TRYING to get annoyed or mad. I feel like a mediator, once again.

I really like Dylan. It scares me. I've never been in a relationship like this before. I've never BEEN in a legitimate relationship, before. I've always been too scared to have that, so I break it off. I fall in and out of like so easily. With Kevin, I stopped liking him the minute he held my hand. I stopped liking David after he asked me out. I stopped liking Paul after he told me he "loved" me. It's pretty strange. Dylan and I were friends first and it took a while before we even became that.

And it's different in the way that I genuinely like him because I know him. I know his characteristics and I know how he feels. I genuinely like him in the sense that I'm not infatuated. When I am infatuated, it's because I don't know a person well enough, and therefore, I see him in this idealistic way. It's not real.

Things have been intense in so many ways.

this is such bullshit

2008-02-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

these conflicting feelings are so awful. i'm so happy with dylan. i'm so devastated about furbi and dotty.

no aged liars

2008-01-30T22:07:00.000-08:00

last night. oh god, last night...

overestimated my alcohol tolerance
felt nostalgic during no age
my crush held my hand during no age
danced
dizzy/spinning/blurry
got lost looking for parking garage
icy cold winds
got held
kissed
whole ride modest mouse
might have lost $20-- might be in grant's car

this morning...
woke up happy

escalating and dissipating

2008-01-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

i had a dream about him, last night. i'd been trying to not think of him, but i guess it backfired in my dreams. he and i were casually going to some party. it was in a house, upstairs. some guy comes out and pins me to the ground. he's weak looking, but i can't get out of his grip. he pulls me up and i can't get out of his embrace. then, my boy somehow gets the guy off and tells me to run upstairs. i do, and a few minutes later, he comes up and kisses me and says "i should've done this so long ago."

in my dream, my finger was throbbing and i had a splinter in it. i kept thinking about how i would take it out. then, i woke up. it was only 6:20 and i stumbled into my bathroom to try to retrieve the real splinter that was really in my finger. so once again, reality seeped into my dream.

i don't know what this means.

Hey. Hello. Hi.

2008-01-21T09:45:00.001-08:00

I finished my essay 5 minutes before the deadline and got it in 2 minutes after 9. It doesn't really matter. The awful site I had to submit my paper on was being slow as fuck. Congestion from all the others trying to submit their papers, I'm sure. I'm not so proud of my paper. Things were blurry for me and I could not, for the life of me, get certain thoughts down. There was no way to articulate it! For others, I'm sure it would've spilled out like fluid silk, but for me, it was impossible. I started talking to God, asking him what the fuck was going on in my head. Things are deteriorating. I used to love to write. Damn it, honestly.

My car is also fucked. It's going to take $3800 to fix it. I don't care much about cars and don't really need my car, all that much here. But, the sentimental value it holds... the bright memories it fosters is tearing me apart. I know that I'd eventually have to part with it, but I don't know, now. I'm thinking about keeping it and maybe I could live in it, someday.

Since I've been doing more (or just actually going out), I've been able to document my days in picture form. I only take pictures to document, not to capture beauty in amazing form. I'm not good at that, though I wish I was.

I didn't realize there was a person in that chair... I didn't even notice the chair, when I was taking this picture. It makes it fifty times sadder, now.

A view from the bus stop.

Oh, this was actually taken a few months ago when I went to this Wildlife Refuge.

My rain soaked shoes.
Maryam's rain resistant boots.

Maryam and me, before going to a house show/party.

Maryam and her lucky bow.

This is me afterwards, at 4 in the morning.

Reaching the light, away from the darkness of the Funk

2008-01-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to good songs, all morning. For the past few weeks (months?), I've been feeling very disheartened about music. I can't really listen to it. It's frustrating, boring, predictable. Instead, I've been listening to podcasts, radio shows, stand-up, spoken word, audio books.

But today. Oh! It's as if someone slapped the indifference out of me and replaced it with innocence, naivety, and willingness. It is optimism overload, but it is good.

I want to upload all the songs that've put me in this blissful state, but I can't. At least not now. This is for 2 reasons:

1) There are too many. I wouldn't be able to upload all of them, forcing me to resort to a "select few."

2) I have no "select few." I am not ready to "select a few," yet.

I'm sure, though, that I will be able to in a few days.

Can't you feel the knife?

2008-01-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

I don't know how this boy came to be. I feel like someone dug deep into my head/heart/soul and found him. I didn't even know he was there, but now that I know him, I know that he is primary. He's so ideal that it scares me. He is imperfect in ways that make me melt. The day I met him was strange. I woke up feeling like something good was going to happen; I woke up mysteriously happy. Maybe it was a coincidence. But, still. And that night, there he was. There was this strange intensity. There was uncomfortable determination and unfamiliar confidence in me.

I've changed because of him. It's never been for him, because I know I'd never be for him. I just can't believe how young I felt when I was with him. The fact that I haven't cried over him once makes me all the more sure that he's not like the others. He never has been. I don't need lack of tears to tell me that, but I just wanted to point that out to myself.

I find myself blurting out mention of him all the time. I hate it so much.
It really wouldn't be so hard if I didn't feel the way I did around him. He knows what he does, though. It's got to be that he's aware of himself. He just wrote me an email. I made myself delete it without reading it. I need to start doing things for myself.

They're starting to take notice.

2008-01-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, Maryam and I went to the Artisans Cafe for a show. We were both feeling feverish and had to leave while Jenny Jenkins was playing. My face was burning.

Today was the first day of winter quarter for me. I'm in the same program as last quarter, Knowing Nature. I wasn't exactly moved by the class last quarter, but I really want to be. So I stayed. I didn't feel complete enough to leave and take another program. I wanted to, though. There were a lot of other interesting programs. I suppose it can also be looked at that I just didn't want something new to challenge me. So in a way, that is unfortunate on my part. Something new might do me good.

But today was actually a nice day. My alarm woke me up at 7:30, so I could read Aristotle for an hour. When I looked out the window, everything was covered in snow!

My new seminar leader, Chuck Philanthrop is kind of intimidating, but soft spoken. Also, the writing tutor who would help us with our essays is also in the class, this quarter. His name is Eric and I think he is so cool. He's graduating after this quarter. He always wears sweaters and sweater vests. They always look like he got them at the thrift store or something. There's just always something worn about them. He sits with his feet on the floor, touching and has his hands in his lap. He talks like he's thought everything out so carefully.

So I walked home and I was in a pretty good mood. I think I really do need things to occupy me, or else I slip into that reclusive mode that I believe comforts me, but also really makes me cold.
I also got my "A Little Princess/The Secret Garden" DVD. I'm ready to bawl!

I bought a coloring book the other day. It's pretty fun. I color when I can't sleep.

dazzling dimes down the drain

2008-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

god. 1:14? i had a dream and there was this boy in it who was talking about USDA grown things and he kept making me read this one paragraph that sounded scientifically stable at first, and at the end, it turned into a rant talking about how disgusting meat was. in the dream, there was this board with spikes in a row. i ended up cutting up these cucumberss/pickle that were really soft. i cut them in halves and stuck them on the spikes.

there was also this man and we all rode in an elevator together. i think this had to do with me riding the elevator countless times at the airport when i was trying to find the bus. anyway, there were speakers and wires coming out of it. the man was now morgan freeman. he did that thing where i'm like a little girl and afraid to do something and he's like "go on." he kneeled down and said "go on, plug your mp3 player in." i was really shy, and the boy said he'd do it. so i went over with him and the boy pretty much had half of his body over my back as he was plugging this crazy looking mp3 player. and he changed to this "new" modest mouse album. in the dream, we were going to a modest mouse concert that was held outside. in the dream, this song started to play and it sounded like Modest Mouse.

and then i remember wanting to change my clothes. so i ran to this room and the boy was sort of following me. so i closed the door and pressed the lock but he said, "hey! what's going on!" and pushed in. in the dream, i remember i got this rushed feeling. i told him, "oh. i just wanted to change for you. i don't know why. i don't think you should be with me. you should be with her, so i'll change into her." and he said, "no. i'll only allow you to change your clothes. nothing else. keep your fingers. they're hearts." and he had my fingertips on his. so i went to this wardrobe thing and opened it up. inside were these white nightgown things. i took off my clothes really shyly and looked at him and he was standing facing the wall, but he was looking at me. i put on this white, sleeveless nightie that went up to my knees and put a white bow in my hair.

and then we were going down to this lab and then i woke up.

i got an email from Blake. i feel weird that he emailed me. i don't know. i'm just expecting it to go like it always does. i might not email him back. i'll be the one, this time. he lives in costa mesa. i don't know why he even asked for my email. i told him that i lived in olympia. he only kissed me. but i did like our conversation. but i'm wondering if i'm only attracted to him because he reminds me so much of HIM. but, that'd mean i'm still attracted to him, right? i don't know. HE has really got me all jumbled up. i can't believe still now.

i played with this face-changing thing. you can also make yourself look afro-carribean, caucasian, east and west asian, drunk, old, baby, and even like various artist styles, like Mucha and Botticelli, . kind of neat. i did avoid the ones that made you look old, though. it makes me scared, you know? anyway, these are the Mucha ones. i look furry.

I haven't heard of this thing called "love."

2008-01-05T02:02:00.000-08:00

wow. i just wrote an awfully long entry, and my computer froze. it's such bullshit. so now, i'm just going to summarize, which i hate. because everything seems less significant.

i didn't cry on the plane for the first time in a long time. i always cry on planes, for some reason. i think because it always feels like this big goodbye. or that something epically tragic is brewing and i can feel it. and usually, this ominous feeling usually does not go without a fitting event.

i didn't go out, today. it's not because i was lazy. i'm not a lazy person, really. i just felt myself slip back into my hermit shell as soon as i was back in olympia.

Carbon Monoxide

2007-12-31T18:04:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting outside in my backyard, right now. I've always really liked this backyard. It holds a lot of wonderful memories. I'm just listening to music and smoking cigarettes. It was light when I was out and now it's dark. It's weird that it's hard to see the sky transition like that. But I saw a plane fly by and the lights were really amazing. That's when I noticed how dark it had gotten. I don't miss Chino Hills. I only miss the "growing up" memories that Chino Hills has fostered.
I visited Robert, today. He had wanted to give me a mix CD (Return of the Chex Mix) and the About A Son soundtrack. He was at work at Big Lots. His break got pushed back, so I just walked around with him while he was collecting carts and such. It was nice. We talked about The Office, which he loves. It was nice to see him, actually. I feel bad that I haven't seen David. I thought about walking to his house to say hi and maybe he'd think it as a nice surprise. He lives like a 2 minute walk from Big Lots. But I didn't visit him.

I really like this picture. So amazing!

Ah, I should go and pack up. And then I'm off to [HEL]L.A. (what Brian calls it), I guess. I'm feeling anxious. I'm scared of drunk drivers. I was thinking how awesome it'd be if The Smell just had a huge slumber party, so everyone could just spend the night and leave in the morning.

When I awoke, I let out an "Oh, My!"

2007-12-31T09:40:00.000-08:00

I want to stay in one of these rooms at this Hotel called Hotel Fox. (I just realized that Hotel is a pretty word.) All of their rooms are designed by an artist, and it is amazing.

Friendswithyou

This is my favorite. It's so beautiful and green. The animals and the stuffed animals. I think I'd spend my days drinking water and being content.

Boris Hoppek

I imagine myself waking up and not being able to feel anything but calm and bright.

Rinzen
This is also one of my favorites. The tent bows my mind. The walls blow my mind. So do the colors and the seemingly fluffiness of the bed. I think I'd just feel young and free.

Boris Hoppek
This looks like an actual bedroom. The hardwood floors are pretty and I like the simplicity of everything. I'd probably make collages all day on the bed. And I'd probably stretch out on the floors, with my legs against the wall.

Geneviève Gauckler

I like the shape of the room itself. The bold words make me feel happy. I'd feel like I was in dreamland waking up.

Benjamin Güdel
Oh. To live in a cabin! Or on a mountain!

To me, though, thinking about this is a bit depressing. I have become more of a recluse. Thoughts about bedrooms and what I want to do to mine are often on my mind. My bedroom is too much of a home. It really is my shell.